


The Hook Up Plan

by arrafrost



Series: This Spideyfam Has Two Dads [3]
Category: Deadpool (Comics), Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Family Bonding, Family Shenanigans, Found Family, Getting Together, M/M, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-22
Updated: 2018-11-22
Packaged: 2019-08-27 09:14:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16699675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arrafrost/pseuds/arrafrost
Summary: Into the Spider-Verse spider-kids can see that Wade and Peter obviously have feelings for each other but they will never seriously act on them. It's up to them to get Wade and Peter to admit their feelings and finally be the proper dads to the Spiderfam that they should be.





	The Hook Up Plan

**Author's Note:**

> Please note this fic was written before the movie release.

“So, how are we gonna hook them up?” Gwen asked, once she settled next to Miles on the rooftop. It was their time to patrol, right after Miles’ got out from school, and they were taking a break to eat some street meat that Peter would disapprove of. Even though the man lived off more junk food than all the younger spiders combined, but you couldn’t tell him that. 

Miles glanced over, his mouth full of sandwich as he spoke, “Hook who up?”

“Peter and Wade, obviously.”

“Why would we do that?”

Gwen stared at Miles, maybe if she thought hard enough she could push her thoughts into his mind. “Because they need to bang, duh.”

“Ew gross, Gwen. Don’t talk about our dads like that.”

“Exactly my point!”

“What?”

Gwen sighed loudly, nearly flailing off the edge of the roof.“They’re our dads and they’re not together, do you see the problem?”

Miles shrugged, “I dunno, we see them as our father figures but that doesn’t mean we should meddle in their business. What if they don’t actually like each other?”

“Dude, have you never been in a room with them?”

“Well, I don’t live that the house but-”

“I can’t breathe in all that unresolved sexual tension, Miles. There’s an excess of it. Maybe that’s what’s keeping us trapped here in this universe.”

Miles chewed on his lower lip, staring down at his street meat as Gwen tapped her foot against the side of the building. His pouting didn’t last long though because Gwen nudged him in the shin with her foot. 

“Sorry man, I don’t mean it like that. I’m glad we found each other and we have this weird family situation but… I miss my friends and my universe y’know.”

“Yeah I know.”

“So,” Gwen stood up and held out her hand to Miles, “Ready to take our minds off this multiverse business and get our dads to bone each other?”

Miles cringed but took her hand nonetheless. Anything was better than dwelling on the thought that one day they might not be together anymore.

——————————

The plan was simple. Wade already had obvious feelings for Peter, he simply wouldn’t cross all of the lines that Peter had drawn in the sand with permanent marker so he turned everything into a joke. Peter clearly liked Wade back but he had too many hang-ups to pursue anything more than tolerated friendship with the man. Wade needed affirmation from Peter, and Peter needed a reason to take the risk. That was where the kids came in.

They had to either get the two of them to sit down like proper adults and have their talk openly about their feelings… or they would create elaborate scenarios in which Wade and Peter were stuck together in close quarters and use every opportunity to turn everything into an innuendo. Everyone unanimously agreed on the latter. 

Gwen spent more mornings than usual with Peter in the kitchen as he prepared their lunch and she took over breakfast. “That’s a weird bruise on your neck there, Pops. Up late with Mr. Pool?”

“I’m not your- what? No! I would ne- No! Gwen, go eat your poptart somewhere else!”

Gwen chuckled to herself, cramming the poptart into her mouth and giving the flustered man a two finger salute as she went back upstairs. Each following morning she would come up with a new way to make Peter get worked up over one Wade Wilson. 

——————————-

Ham had plans to web them together for a night and see if they worked their tension out that way but the rest of the spider-children didn’t agree that it was ethical. Peni wanted to put all the bathrooms in the house out of order, forcing Peter and Wade to share the bathroom once they established pairs of two for joint use of the bathroom but everyone once again disagreed. There were five people and one pig in that house (with one full-time visitor), one bathroom instead of three was simply not an option for them, no matter how badly they wanted their dads to get together.

Noir decided to volunteer to take the late night patrol by himself rather than partnering with Peter in the evening and subtly suggested that maybe Wade needed something to keep him busy - while Wade was in the room - and therefore started the Wade/Peter evening patrol.

Miles started asking for dating advice from both of them, asking them both questions that were more specific to their dating troubles than any that Miles had.

“So, Peter… if I have a crush on someone but they use their humor to deflect any real feelings they might have, how should I get them to show me that they’re serious?”

“Hey Wade, this is weird but I think my crush likes me back but they’re too scared to initiate anything, what do you think I should do?”

The advice he got back wasn’t the best - considering the two had zero clues on how to deal with the mess of their own lives - but hopefully it got them thinking about their own situations.

——————————- 

Several weeks of making sure Wade and Peter spent the most time together in the house, had plenty of alone time, and were constantly made aware of their feelings toward each other proved fruitless. Gwen, Miles, Peni and Ham all sat at the kitchen table, leaning over in defeat.

“They’re so stupid!” Gwen shouted, completely exasperated with her makeshift parents. “The dense idiots won’t do anything about their feelings and we’re just here suffering and they don’t care. I swear, if they don’t start smooching in the hallway by TONIGHT I quit! Done! I’m going back to my universe and I’ll never think about them ever again.”

Ham: Ouch

Peni: No!

Miles: Harsh Gwen.

“I- Crap! I’m sorry dudes, I’m too fed up with them and I’m not- I didn’t mean that. I swear. I’m sorry.”

Noir chose that moment to step into the kitchen, though the four of them knew that he’d spent the whole time standing and listening in the hallway. “The four of you should take a walk.”

They glanced between each other, somewhat suspicious of their usually quiet counterpart.

“We should?” Miles asked, but he was already standing up.

Noir nodded and the next moment, Wade and Peter were walking in the front door. They were playfully bantering, clearly flirting even though they wouldn’t acknowledge it, like always. The moment they saw the kids all gathered in the kitchen, they stopped.

“Woah! Is this an intervention because-”

“Yes.” Noir said, not allowing Wade to finish his joke.

“Oh. Huh.”

Peter paused, his gaze shifting between all the spiders (except Noir) who were just as shocked as he was. “What this about? Gwen?”

“Wouldja look at the time! Gotta go practice for open mic night! Miles, could ya help me out?” Gwen was already grabbing Miles by the arm and dragging him toward the back door so they could hide out in the garage.

“Oh yeah definitely um, I know all about instruments!”

“Very convincing, dude,” Gwen hissed, laughing under her breath as they dashed away.

“Peni? Ham?” Peter started to ask but the two smaller spiders were already ducking underneath the table and running away without an explanation.

Peter finally laid his eyes on Noir who was still standing in the kitchen, arms crossed as he stared at the two men.

“Gentlemen,” Noir gestured to the kitchen, inviting them to sit.

“Oh this should be good. Can we make this quick though? I’ve got a pillow with my name on it.”

“And maybe mine too?” Wade joked, his brows waggingly under his mask but Peter knew him well enough to know what he was doing.

“This,” Noir said, pointing between the two of them as they sat on the opposite side of the table. “This has caused more tension than you believe.”

“Wade’s terrible sense of humor? Yes, I agree. Wade you really should-”

“Parker,” Noir warned. Peter shut up immediately and chewed his lower lip. He was beginning to understand the reason for their intervention. “We believe there is something unspoken between the two of you. It has yet to be solved and it is both distressing and distracting for the residents of this household. Now, if the two of you could sit down like rational adults and discuss this matter, it would be greatly appreciated.”

Peter looked at Wade out of the corner of his eye. The mercenary had already turned his full body toward Peter, clearly ready to get down to business and talk about their feelings. Feelings that Peter hadn’t even come to terms with himself. Not in this universe and certainly not in his original universe.

“Do we have to talk with you watching?”

Noir shook his head, “No. But you must agree to seriously discuss this and come to a solution.”

“Well,” Peter sighed, “I can’t guarantee a solution but yeah… yeah okay, I’ll talk about it.”

“That is fair.” Noir nodded, turning on his heel to walk out of the room and back to his room for the evening.

“Do you think he’ll threaten us with a gun if we don’t?” Wade asked playfully, “Gotta say, I like the idea of you with a gun, Petey.”

“Wade,” Peter said, his tone serious as he moved his chair to face Wade, “Let’s take this seriously, shall we?”

Immediately Wade sobered and took his mask off, his eyes showing just how serious he was about this topic. It would be a long night, but Peter thought that maybe this was going to work out in the end.

——————————–

“Holy crap! Noir? Where did that come from?” Gwen asked, having climbed into Noir’s bedroom window moments after he walked in. Miles followed her reluctantly, and Peni and Ham scampered in after Noir, closing the door behind them.

“From our first plan. Previously dismissed. The second plan failed, it was time to resort to the original plan.”

“Yeah okay, point taken.”

“How did you know it would work?” Miles asked, sitting on the bed after receiving a nod from Noir that it was okay.

“I didn’t. But it was worth a try.”

They all sat in the room, chatting about what they thought would happen. They hadn’t heard any shouting in the past twenty minutes so that was a good sign if anything. Either that or they had quietly snuck out of the house after Noir had left the room.

“We should check,” Gwen said for the fourth time.

“Gwen no, we have to give them privacy.”

“You’ve been saying that and, while I agree, I also wanna make sure that they’re, y’know, still there.”

“They are being awfully quiet,” Peni remarked, fidgeting from her perch up on Noir’s desk.

“Wouldn’t hurt to take a quick peek through the window in the living room that’s directly across from the kitchen table…” Ham added.

Within seconds all the spiders except Noir were on their feet and heading out the open window. They would have all clambered down to the window if they weren’t worried about making too much noise. If things were going well, they didn’t want to disturb the two men talking through their feelings and after a couple minutes they were all underneath the living room window, counting quietly down from five so they could all pop their heads up and pop back down without ever being noticed.

“Three, two, one!”

Gwen: Holy-

Peni: Oh wow!

Ham: Hah! I knew it!

Miles: Oh gross…

In the middle of the kitchen, on the table that they all ate their breakfast, lunch and dinner on, Wade and Peter were heavily making out. Their hands were grabbing onto each other’s bodies, pulling and tugging, but thankfully they were still fully clothed. Though from the intensity of those kisses, it didn’t look like that would remain a fact for very long.

“Way to go dads!” Gwen cheered. Immediately Miles’ hand was over her mouth and all the spiders dropped back to the ground, out of view of the window in case Peter and Wade had heard her. Gwen struggled against his grip, “Dude, they are clearly preoccupied.”

“Yes I- I think we can all see that. Oh god my eyes…”

“Dude, you’re like… a proper teenager. Peni’s only fourteen and she’s handling this better than you.”

Peni shrugged, “Kissing is normal.”

“Yeah but-” Miles sighed, shaking his head, “Nevermind. Should we stop them?”

“What? Why the heck frick would we stop them after we’ve tormented ourselves for weeks trying to get this to happen?”

“Because I want to be able to eat my food without knowing there were bare butts pressed against it.”

Gwen made a face and thought it over before nodding, “Point. We’ll give it… ten more minutes? They shouldn’t get too much farther in that-”

“Oh fuck! Wade!” Peter’s moan echoed from the kitchen.

“Okay!” Gwen jumped up. “Now! Right now. Let’s go stop them now.”


End file.
